Smoke Free 20 Days!
Bloom Where You are Planted!
That is one of my favorite sayings and yet I can’t seem to apply it to my life. If anything I do the opposite. Things get rough, I get going. My mind starts working overtime. Find another job, a cheaper apartment, where should I move, where should I work, what do I really want to be when I grow up? All this is going on in my mind 24/7. Not only that but, I’m not smoking, I’m not going to the gym, (it will be two weeks tomorrow), so I have guilt from that, I’m somewhat depressed because there isn’t anything that gets me excited to get out of bed in the morning. Yesterday and today I slept until 9:00 a.m. I can’t blame Chantix, I only take one in the mornings. It’s like I wake up at 7:00 a.m. and think, there is no reason to get out of bed, no cigarette to look forward too, no “significant other” to cook breakfast for, nothing to look forward too.
Each day is the same thing, cold, snowy, no plans. Today my daughter in college brought her laundry over and I was excited to have something different to do. I baked chocolate-chocolate chip cookies just for something to do. I could always clean more but that’s not fun or different. I do that every weekend. My phone doesn’t ring much on the weekends so I don’t have to worry about a “date” or anything like that. I’m sure I am just lonely. That doesn’t happen very often. Probably just the winter blahs. In the summer I take Sonny and we go to the lake and walk around, or I ride my bike around or just walk. Sometimes I just go out and sit on my patio or out front. Then I end up piddling in the garden, (if you want to call it that.)
After having this great weekend, where I can’t get out of bed in the morning, I get to look forward to going to work tomorrow. Ugggh. I almost start crying just thinking about going. It’s getting harder to go every day. It’s pretty bad when you are looking forward to having the rest of your teeth pulled just so you won’t have to go to work for a week.
Well, I’m not very good at being a victim, so I will just have to take some action in this matter. I will have to make plans with myself for the weekends so I have something to look forward to, something that will get me out of bed. I will start looking for another job that isn’t near as bad as this one. I can do it. Just take some action and quit whining about it. That is really not my style. Usually I am better at “dealing” than I have been lately.
But….Bloom Where You are Planted! I get confused. Should I try to Bloom in this job. That isn’t going to happen no matter what my attitude is or what I try to do. The only reason I would have to move is if another job doesn’t pay as well and I can’t afford my apartment. So I can still Bloom where I am as far as the apartment and the city I live in.
It’s all so hard. Some days I am just too tired to fight it anymore. It’s just that I have been fighting it for so long and it’s been so hard for so long that I just want to give up. Say to heck with it all and do something crazy or radical. Like get in my car and just drive. I don’t know where or why, just get out of here. Run a way from everything. Or find a job in another state like Montana. But then I think of my kids and I would miss them so much I just can’t do that. Sometimes I think about smoking or drinking again. It feels so strange to be this non-smoking and non-drinking person. I’m used to me a non-drinker because its been almost 7 years. I don’t know why I think smoking or drinking would help me. At least it would be a little excitement, something to look forward too. Oh my, that’s pretty pathetic. I better quit while I’m ahead. I’ll try and think of things I can look forward too and plans I can make with myself. I can do this, I’ve been down this road before and “this too shall pass.” I know that. I just need to remember it and not forget my Faith.