Let the Games Begin

The Dating Game!

My friend Sandy is wanting to start dating again. She has been divorced three years and sober the same amount, and she has not been in a relationship since the divorce. That is not to say she hasn’t dated. She is a pretty gal and has been on several dates but, nothing really substantial.

The man in her life now is more of a friend than a prospective future mate or partner. He calls her daily, takes her out to eat, they do things together all the time, art galleries, go out for coffee, etc. but, he will not commit to calling it what it is. A relationship. They don’t kiss or hold hands, but she would like to. He has no interest in that sort of thing. So finally, my friend has decided to get on with her life – she can’t wait for him forever – and start getting ‘out there’. I applaud her. She is 49 years old and isn’t getting any younger. The guy she is seeing is getting the best of both worlds. He has this pretty lady he can have on his arm anytime he ‘needs’ her and doesn’t have to deal with any of the uncomfortable things like kissing and committing to another person. I can understand why she feels, ’empty’ and ‘unfulfilled’ and ‘what’s wrong with me, why doesn’t he like me?’ It doesn’t do a lot for a girls self-esteem to continue dating a guy and he never makes any advances. It kind of make you wonder.

So now the games begin. No longer happy being his beckon ‘call’ girl. She has signed up for an internet dating service and the matches are rolling in. Picking a potential partner is much more complicated than it used to be. They use 29 different areas of interest, etc. to just send you a match. Imagine that! I’m sure some people got married with out knowing all the information that a potential match knows about a possible person- just to go on a date. That’s not all. After they send you a person they think is a pretty good match, you get to ask them five more questions that you pick from about 100 and they have to answer them. Then they send you more questions and you have to answer them. If you answered them okay and the person is still interested in you, then you send your absolutes. Yes absolutes. ‘Absolute must haves’ and absolute can’t stands’. If they pass these than you can email them and communicate ‘normally’. After all of that, what would you have to say?

Anyway, I am so proud of her. She believes in herself enough to know that she deserves to be in a relationship that will fulfill her needs, not just his. For me, men that do this to women are selfish to the core. Yes, you can be friends with men but they don’t flirt with you, buy your dinner every time you go out, and discourage you when you do have a ‘real’ date.

Sandy’s male friend doesn’t know she is going to start dating but, he will find out soon enough and he isn’t going to like it one bit. Some other guy moving in on his territory. Oh well guys, you snooze you lose. Let the games begin! You go girl!

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The Journey from Self-Destruct to Self-Love

Smoke Free 27 days!

I am curious about the desire to improve oneself. Why is it that some people have the need to better themselves — i.e., quit smoking, start exercising, eat healthier — and some people are on ‘self-destruct’? Actually, I have been on both sides of this coin. It comes down to self-love or self-hate, depending on where you are at. Look at Brittney Spears, it’s not hard to see that she doesn’t love herself right now. Oh I believe she loves her boys, but until she can love herself, she has nothing to offer them.

When I was on self-destruct, I was so ‘self’ absorbed that all I could think about was myself. I loved my children but, I was not capable of showing that love or contributing anything that would benefit them at the time. Alcohol was what I loved the most. It’s hard to admit that it consumed my every thought, action, and feeling. My life was all about Alcohol and I can say the same about cigarettes

.Quit Smoking
Being a slave to a chemical like nicotine or alcohol is being on self-destruct. It’s like a slow suicide so it is not surprising that a lot of smokers are depressed people. When we smoke we are self medicating our depression. Nicotine is an upper so it works for us. When we quit, we get depressed. Some of us get dangerously depressed. Suicidal thoughts, no hope, and crying constantly. These are all experiences I have had when I’ve tried to quit smoking in the past. This time it is different. The Chantix has made it so that I can feel somewhat normal while not ingesting Nicotine into my blood stream. I am on an anti-depressant so I am anxious to see what happens to me after 12 weeks on Chantix. Will I crash and smoke again? God, I pray I don’t. I have come too far and learned too much during this quit to go back to smoking. And smoking again will absolutely crush my self-esteem–what little bit I have gotten since I quit–and that would depress me all the more.

Now that I am on the other side, self-love, it has become clear to me of one major difference between self-hate and self-love. God. He was nowhere in my life when I was abusing Alcohol. I have struggled with a ‘conscious contact’ with Him during my sobriety. I try to remember to ask Him to Please keep me Sober in the morning and Thank Him at night for doing so. Having a scheduled time in the morning for my readings and meditation helped me with this but, since I started attending 7:00 a.m. meetings, I have let that go by the wayside. The last few weeks I haven’t been able to attend the early meetings so I went to a different group on Friday night. Everything in my life has changed since I quit smoking so I shouldn’t be surprised my meeting schedule would change also. When I quit drinking, everything in my life changed also. Doing things differently is what going from self-hate to self-love is all about. I need to be more open to the changes that are happening in my life. Not just the physical, which is all I have been focusing on for the last 27 days, but the spiritual and mental changes too.

Quitting smoking has made me crave a more spiritual life. I feel that my heart is open to God and there isn’t any ‘clogged arteries’ anymore coming from guilt or hating myself. Loving me, being comfortable in my own skin, is something I have searched for in bottles and in packs all my life but, I could never find. I have found it because God is in my life today whether I am ‘conscious’ of Him or not, He is here with me at all times. He loves me, which means I am lovable, which means I deserve to be loved. That love comes from me, loving myself, taking care of myself, so that I now have love to give to my children and family, plus any other people I meet along this journey that I am on. It’s true, ‘you can’t love someone, until you love yourself.’

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